Every college fraternity has its hareem

By Bronco Hamilton

Every college fraternity across the country has a hareem made of readily available females, who, for whatever reason, love nothing more than to service the house and its brothers.
These females usually break down into three distinct groups; the girlfriends, the lil’ sisters, and the sluts.
The first group, the girlfriends, is self-explanatory. This set of women primarily consists of attractive, STD-free women who have fallen in love with the beer guzzling, letter-wearing men of a secret society in the hopes that someday these boys will grow up to be the successful lawyers and doctors like their daddies.
The truth is some frat-boys will become the men their girlfriends desire. But, many more will wind up unfaithful alcoholics, who eventually inherit their father’s business only to lose it in a messy divorce over some in-office skank, who “accidently”leaves behind some tell-tale sign of her presence in the family vehicle.(Because everyone remembers to get rid of the condom and the wrapper, but that foil piece you tear away always seems to turn up.)
The next group, is the lil’ sisters. It’s made of girls who are neither sluts, nor girlfriends. They remain without the boyfriends they desire for a few good reasons.
The first reason they remain single is the most noble; they are a brother’s ex-girlfriend. In these cases, nobody touches this girl no matter how hot she is because her ex-boyfriend is that well respected ... and he’ll kick anyone’s ass who thinks otherwise.
The second kind of lil’ sister is made of the unattractive, platonic, female friend, who does things like bring chicken soup and Gatorade to the sick fraternity brothers without girlfriends. They stick around in the hopes that one night one of the boys will be mature, or drunk enough to actually like a girl for her personality.
Whatever the reason for their lack of sexual appeal, these girls are harmless and useful. Every good house needs to keep a few of these chicks around for help with rush. Plus, they usually have hot friends.
Now for the group that needs no introduction… the sluts. House sluts are nothing new to the college scene. We’ve all seen them in action, hanging on a drunk, unsuspecting fraternity brother, who will eventually get ripped enough to let her go down on him in some obscure part of the house like the kitchen pantry, or the DJ booth. He will then be ridiculed by his peers, earning nicknames like, “Old Brother Cupboard” and “DJ Skeet.”
They’re sexual predators with no natural enemies, except the girlfriends. They show up late with excuses like, “My roommate and I were pre-gaming,” in the hopes that they can prey on the wasted fratboy. By 1 a.m., a slut’s prey has played so much “Beirut” that sleeping with a girl affectionately nick-named “Raw-Dawg,” or “Beat Meg,” seems to be a good idea.
Which brings me to my next point. Sluts aren’t always ugly, but they ALWAYS have a nickname. Sorry, dude. If you date a girl who used to be called “Sled,” or “Kerry-Go-Round,” you’re penis brothers with at least two Greek organizations.
So, the next time you’re balls-deep in some chick after a night of drinking games and grinding to booty classics like “Shake Dat Ass,” ask yourself which category does she fit into.