Texas Chainsaw Dad is a dick

What's the best way to ensure that your kids will need countless hours of therapy, a life-long fear of murderous clowns, and hate you for years to come? Scaring them shitless with a chainsaw and mask of course! Props to you, sir. Your execution was of high standard. The 2010 "Sick and Twisted Father Award" goes to you my good man.

Carve a pumpkin like a real man

Pumpkin carving has been an age-old tradition for the spooky season; and a messy, time consuming one at that. Now gutting that jack-o-lantern just got a lot cooler as youtube user hickok45 demonstrates with his .40 caliber glock. All it takes are a couple of clips, a crack shot, and you've got yourself a real man's spooky jack. Now insert flame, place on porch, get settled in your lawn chair, and begin handing out hollow points to all those cute and creepy little trick-or-treaters.

Need a costume idea?

Is time running out and you still don't have a costume put together for that party this weekend? Well, MUB has just the solution for you... Dicktowel! It's funny, functional, and sexual. You'll be the life of the party for sure with "Dicktowel!" No need for makeup, props or accessories. You just wrap it around your waist and you're good to go. Show up to that super awesome Halloween party, dance your dicktowel off, and you'll for sure hook up with that slutty nurse who has already slept with all your friends in the years past. Dicktowel! Order one now... duuuude.




Link: The Official "DickTowel" website

Editor's note: We at "Man Up, Bro!" cannot guarantee that dicktowel will make you cool, the life of the party, or get you laid by that slutty nurse. In fact, you probably will look like an idiot, everyone will laugh at you, and the slutty nurse just might kick you in the dicktowel for trying to approach her.

Man Down

Got friends? This guy doesn't. If you ever find yourself in a One Man Band then you should probably reconsider how you spend your afternoons. Yes, it's hard being one of us, but that's why the society of man created social standards, so we can avoid situations like these. With that said, man down bro! Side Note: Please do not confuse a One Man Band with a One Man Wolfpack, two totally separate things.

Father Of The Year

Kids will believe just about anything. And it's about time someone took advantage of that. That's why this dude is Father of the year in my book. So next time your kids are pissing you off, or you're stuck watching someone else's kids and feel like possibly screwing them up for life, take a page out of this guy's book.

Now This Is Fantasy Football

With a lockout looming in the NFL, it' time to start searching for a new high contact sport to keep your minds satisfied next season. But be warned, you may not want to watch regular football again. Seriously, would you rather watch a horde of 300 pound sweaty men with wedgies stumbling around, or these sexy women clad only in lingerie and minimum padding? I think the choice is obvious.

Badass of the Week - Are you kidding me?

Every now and then i'll witness the ninjas splitting concrete blocks, the sword and fire swallower’s, the guys who drench themselves in gasoline, the Jabroni’s (Always Sunny reference for those of you that are cool) who walk across glass, the dudes that drive cars off cliffs, jump out of airplanes without a parachute, travel to the moon on a Sunday’s, and those who building jump, you know, the chill stuff…but never, never have I seen a badass who can take a blow to the cash and prizes like this one…

Topless Trims... A little more off the top, please!

Welcome to Hot Cuts, the topless barbershop in Australia where you can get more than just a hair cut.
Hot Cuts owner, Wojtek Wasilewski, is a visionary. He took two great things that are manly and put them together like PB&J. The strip club and the barbershop. Even though it took him 18 months to find employees who were willing to cut hair topless, his brilliance has paid off.
“I wanted to make the salon like a gentlemen's club. Business is booming. The phone has been ringing off the hook. I'm not surprised. They are stunning girls,” Wasilewski said.


Yeah, I'd be pitching a tent in that barber's chair for sure. Unfortunately, my current barber is an older woman who may or may not have been a Sid Vicious or Iggy Pop groupie back in the 70's-80's and enjoys the occasional conversations of neighborhood gossip, government conspiracies, Native American spiritual practices and the existence of extraterrestrials. Doesn't seem the drugs have worn off yet after all these years, or the purple dye in her hair. On second thought, that's not really unfortunate at all. It's actually kind of awesome. But being in a trance by a nice pair of bouncing betties while getting a haircut is pretty awesome too. If only I had the best of both worlds. No, no... don't go there. You just did, didn't you. Aghhh! Mental picture. I'm ruined.

Well, while I seek therapy, enjoy the thought of Hot Cuts and be sure to visit if you're ever in the Land Down Under area. Also lets hope there are more innovators out there like Wasilewski. We could apply his vision to so many other things in life such as topless golf caddies, topless coffee shops, topless banks, topless airlines, topless bars... wait, we already have those. Oh, You get the point. The possibilities are endless.

Shark Week

Ever wonder why it's damn near impossible to win an argument with a woman? Your chances of winning are about the same odds you have as convincing a shark not to rip your face off. Well gents, the mystery is solved. Apparently women and sharks have a lot more in common than we all thought. So if the myth of punching a shark in the face so it won't attack you is true, then the next time your catching heat for watching the game instead of doing whatever it is she had planned, a clean hit to the snatch could finally help you come out on top.



Warning: The Man Up Team does not guarantee results in either punching sharks or vaginas. We also don't encourage you to hit women.

Rent Is Too Damn High!

In honor of the upcoming election, I present all you men out there with another bad-ass candidate. If you've ever felt like you're paying too much on rent, this guy feels your pain. If you've ever felt that your karate expertise makes you better than everyone else around you, once again this guy is with you. Have some sort of weird over the top shoe fetish? I'm sure as hell going to judge you, but Jimmy's on your side. And of course if your a mustache or facial hair aficionado then this dude is right up your alley. So on November 2nd get out and vote Jimmy McMillan. Why? Because who doesn't want to hear more awesome speeches like this?

Now that's one sexy Fembot

Yes! This IS the droid you are looking for. Now, personally I would be the first on the front lines leading the robot resistance. It's only a matter of time before some dumbass creates some dumbass machine that becomes self aware and wants to enslave us all. (Yeah, I'm talking to you Japan. knock it the fuck off!) But if there ever were a secret weapon that could break my will to fight those murderous tin-cans, this would be it. Thank God this is a hot chick wearing R2-D2 swimwear and not a real fembot because the end of man could have been very well possible. Now if you excuse me, I have to run to Tosche Station to pick up a dozen power converters and massage motor oil for my err, uhh, lady-bot-friend.





















via: Black Milk Clothing

Katz For Mayor

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below may not reflect the opinions of every member of the Man Up team. This post is not for the faint of heart, so Man Up Bro!

Election Day is approaching fast Men. It is absolutely vital that you do your research and vote for the candidates most likely to lead us to a bad-ass and awesome future. And who better to vote for than a man who refuses to back down from a challenge, even if the challenger appears to only be about 12. Recently in Winnepeg, Canada the Mayor, Sam Katz, was seen kicking a child in the face. His opposition seized the opportunity to start a smear campaign, but I believe it only makes Katz look more bad-ass. It's 2010, who isn't Pro Child Face Kicking by now?! Now if I hailed from Canadia, I would have to vote for this dude.

The Manslater – Mission Accomplished!

The 18th century marked the beginning of the industrial revolution. A century later, our great country marked its independence. In the early to mid 1900’s, America prevailed on the winning side of two world wars. And, some odd years later, we introduced Frank’s RedHot Tabasco sauce to men around the world. Ah, yes…it’s been a long successful road for all that is man, so standing before you today (well, actually sitting in front of my computer) I’m honored to present one of the greatest revolutions yet – The Manslater.

Badass of the Week: the real Fox from the Oceans trilogy

I always appreciated the Oceans movies for the sole purpose of robbing these badass casino owners in a complicated and full-proof heist. Although they would only take them for the equivalent of what a bag of Cheetos is to me, these former-badass gentlemen really knew how to put on a show. But inside all the glory of the casino heists, there was one main fault - the Fox. Mr. Fox, you swagger-jacked my boy Apollo, and couldn’t even complete the job. In the world of pick pocketing, thievery, and heists, you roam the world deaf, blind and dumb, and everyone will know – this is Fox, the man who thought he could be compared to Apollo. Alright, maybe I stole that line from Troy, but at least stealing the line from Troy wasn’t half as bad as Fox attempting to step to the level of Apollo. You deserve to be put in a den with David Bowie and his wolves.

David Bowie -The Most Epic Man Alive

It's been common knowledge for quite some time now, oh, I don't know, the last three or four decades, that David Bowie is one bizarre and creepy dude. The man has always known how to stay ahead of the times. A pioneer in the music of punk, rock and the weird. He produced countless of hits that we all still enjoy today, and has defined what it is to be Epic. I mean really, what was up with that freaky eyeball, man? So, when it comes to David Bowie, it's no surprise that the words legendary and awesomeness come to mind. After all, he is "thee" Goblin King. And as of today, the man still doesn't disappoint. He has proven once again to be "The Most Epic Man Alive".


What's that, you say? Oh, just David Bowie and some MOTHERFUCKING WOLVES.



via: rillawafers

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

If the movies and television have taught us anything, it's that it is only a matter of time until zombies attempt to take over the world. Luckily for us, there are people out there who are planning ahead for such an event. So it's probably a good idea to start stocking up now on such necessities as food, water, guns, ammo (lots and lots of ammo), medical supplies, and of course a machete or two. For the full list of proper instructions on how to save your ass when the undead finally rise, check out the full guide of How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse.

And after you've studied up on how to handle the zombies, make sure your up to date with your alien knowledge. Now might be a great time to re-read Where will you be when the aliens attack?

Conan O'Brien Drives an Explosives-Packed Car Off A Cliff!

Alright. Conan O'Brien's man cred just went up ten million points with this badass promo. Check it.

Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Here's a movie I think we could all get on board with that echoes the badassitry of Machete. Nude Nuns with Big Guns! Bullets, boobs, blood and explosions. It's got all the necessary ingredients for awesomeness. And if it's from the guys who brought you "Run, Bitch, Run!" How could you go wrong? But it's a shame this is a faux movie trailer. At least we have "Hobo with a Shotgun" with Rutger Muthafuckin' Hauer to look forward to. That will be epic.



Other awesome links: "Hobo With a Shotgun" Unrated Teaser Trailer
Original "Hobo With a Shotgun" Trailer - SXSW Grindhouse Trailer contest winner.

Things Your Dad Should've Taught You

Learning Guitar To Get Laid...

Tired of those hippie, free loving assholes with the acoustic guitars and all the musical knowledge in the world stealing the attention of every hot chick at every awesome party you've every been to? It's bad enough they ruin a perfectly sweet party with their presence alone, but now they've found a way to lure all those women towards them and ruin every other dudes chances of getting laid at the party. Well perhaps it's time to fight fire with fire, except we don't need any musical talent to pull this off anymore. It turns out with just three simple chords you can have all women you want. And the best part is, with these awesome instructions, you don't even have to know what your playing. Just let the chicks do all the work.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

And if you're looking for more fatherly advice, check out last weeks article as well.
How To Properly Raise Children

Peniplus: The Cure for Monopenis (men who have only one penis)

Suffering from mono-penis? You’re not alone. Billions of men around the world are too. But not to worry, Peniplus is here to help. Just ask your doctor how Peniplus can be right for you.

Ballsiest Man Alive: Jumping Out Of A Skyscraper Window While On Fire

This guy seriously has balls stronger than steel. I wonder what the stunt coordinating meeting could have been like... “Dude, I think you should leap out of a 50 story building.” “Naw, man. That’s lame.” “Yeah, but on fire!” Totally insane. It’s a miracle that the airbag didn’t explode on impact due to the sheer weight of his big cojones.

Chilean Miners trapped “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”?

If you semi watch the news, then I’m sure you already know that we have some tough as nails Chilean miners trapped in a mine shaft for more than two months now. It’s almost unfathomable to know what they have been going through, yet these men among men who are accustomed to braving danger and the unknown persevere. With rescue efforts almost nearing the end and the rescue shaft almost complete, the extraction of the miners could begin within the next 24 hours. This is very exciting news. But instead of being embraced by rescue crews and emotional family members, I think it would be much more awesomer (correct my grammer, you get the backhand) if they were greeted by a horde of people dressed as the apes from the “Planet of the Apes” movie. Or even better, the creepy, hairy, blue, eye-glowing Morlocks from “The Time Machine”. That would be epic! "Ay dios mio!” “You Maniacs! Ahhh! damn you, God damn you all to hell!"

What? Too soon? C’mon, I think after being trapped for two months, they’d appreciate the humor.


Link: CNN "Rescue workers near their goal as Chile awaits"

Badass of the Week – The One Man Excess Factor

The most famous eating competition known to man is held every Fourth of July in the great City of New York where roughly twenty heroes present themselves in front of millions of people and “indulge” in the worlds best hotdogs. Courageous, stunning, ambitious, or for a lack of a better word, fat – these super gentlemen risk their lives for our entertainment. But for every hero with a hotdog, there’s a badass, and this weeks Badass of the Week goes to my former roommate and investment banker (badass career) Danyel, who is know in the underground world of eating competitions as Mr. McFucker.

Mr. McFucker was a self-proclaimed name for single handedly taking down multiple people in eating competitions. He didn’t do it for the fame, the money, the TV ads where he’d stand next to a man pitching car insurance getting paid 2 mil to give a thumbs up and a smile. He did it for the McPride. His weapon of choice: McDonalds (did you guess that one??). Order of choice: Three Double Quarter Pounders, two large fries, five Snack Wraps (ranch), a large Coke, a McChicken, and two apple pies for a double dose of Man. After he was threw with his appetizer, kidding...or am I? He once took down his cousin with his standard Order of Choice, finished what his Cousin couldn’t, washed down a Coke, and then topped off a bag of Doritos just for the victory lap. Status of the Cousin: McFucked.

Epic repel down the mouth of an active volcano

This is probably the manliest thing I've seen all week. A bunch of dudes repelling down the mouth of an active volcano towards a fiery lake of lava just for the hell of it.

The epic expedition took place on the remote Ambrym Island in the South Pacific atop the Marum Volcano and was lead by badass scientist and filmmaker, Geoff Mackley, with the help of extreme climbers, Drew Bristow and Johno Smith, as well as videographer, Daniel Lacy. Hats off to you, Gents. You guys make science awesome.

Video Link: Abseiling Towards a Lava Lake - Extreme Video From Marum Volcano, Ambrym, Vanuatu!

Things Your Dad Should've Taught You

How to properly raise children...

Warning: The opinions expressed below may not be the opinions every member of the Man Up team. This post is not for the faint of heart, so Man Up, Bro!

We've all seen it, the parents who let their kids do anything they want because they are against using a firm hand to teach those little bastards a lesson. Personally, I can't stand children. They're like tiny hammered people. They're loud, they smell, they incoherently babble, and for some reason they are always fucking sticky! "Seriously kid... what are you doing, rubbing maple syrup on your face whenever I turn around?"

It just seems too often these days people are irresponsibly popping out children like they're some sort of fashion accessory. If that's the case, society doesn't want your child. We already have enough morons in the making. So before you ruin your life and the lives of everyone around you by procreating and being an awful parent, listen to this awesome advice.

Click HERE to check out the video that shows getting a dog will make you a better parent.

The art of the handshake

By: The Whiz Kid

You know how they say first impressions last forever... bullshit, the first handshake lasts forever. When you meet another man for the first time, shake his hand with some authority. Now don’t try and crush his hand and seem like a dominant ape, but apply some pressure show me that even if you turn out to be an ass, well hell, at least you’re a man damn it. Think of it as the first time you make love to a woman. You don’t wanna show up with some limp noodle... well God damn it, don’t show up to a handshake with a noodle for a hand. I will think you are as limp as that sissy handshake you just threw out there.

There are exceptions to a manly shake. Don’t be that asshole who grabs my fingers and not my hand forcing me to look like said wimp bitch. Maintain proper etiquette, wait for web-to-web contact before applying pressure. You seem too eager to meet me when you squeeze early, thus causing me to have suspicions about you as a person.

Then you have the shooter. The guy who pulls his hand way back then shoots it at you like its high noon and he’s got his five barreled revolver ready to mow you down. This ain’t a gun fight, although almost as important as one, it is alas not. Just hold that hand out like a man, damn it.

Which leads me to several other variations of hand shake violations, the two handed handshake; Yo buddy, unless your some diplomat, keep your other hand out of this equations. If it takes two of your hands to equal the strength of my manly shake you’re not a man, Damnit. Or the guy who uses both hands. One to shake my hand, the other to shake my forearm. What’s up with that? Why do you feel the need to shake my entire arm? Are you weighing it? Feeling the strength of my forearm? It’s called a handshake not a hand and arm shake, goddamn it.

Now the science behind the actual shake. A little up and down motion is acceptable after all it is a hand shake, but don’t lift my arm so damn high and rip it down like your trying to dislocate my shoulder, goddamn it. This is a case in which less is more. I don’t wanna have to have Tommy Johns surgery because you don’t know how to shake my damn hand. Also don’t go with the short but rapidly quick shake making my arm look like it’s a fucking sound wave this isn’t eighth grade physics when you shake a rope as a demonstration of sound, it’s my fuckin' arm.

All in all, violate any of these rules and although the recipient of one of these handshakes mentioned above won’t say anything in his head you will forever be known as a jackass. Your father should have taught you this shit. Stay manly and do me a favor... MAN THE FUCK UP, BRO!

Lamborghini Ankonian aka Badass Batmobile

It may not be the Dark Knight's Tumbler, but the Lamborghini Ankonian concept is a wet dream for any philanthropist-by-day, vigilante-by-night. This concept car is designed by Slavche Tanevsky, a student at the Munich University of Applied Sciences, and is a variation of his Lamborghini Madura design; a futuristic hybrid concept that he, in collaberation with Lamborghini and Audi, had created as the proposal for the first environment-friendly Lamborghini scheduled to hit the streets in 2016.

Hybrid or not, this mid-engined supercar is a beast. It seems like a lot of the lines, curvatures and overall architecture are inspired by the F-117 stealth fighter, but this monster of a car is probably the closest thing that we'll get to a real life batmobile. And are those afterburners I see on the rear?! Now all it needs are a few rocket luanchers, a mounted vulcan minigun, and armoured plating... next thing you know, you’ll be cleaning maniacal street scum off the streets and putting them into the E.R. in no time.



link: Automotto.org "Lamborghini Ankonian concept project adds more aggression to the Reventon"

Man Down

Let's face its men, it's not always easy being one of us. There's a lot of responsibility that comes with the territory of all that is "man". And unfortunately all too often we lose one of the brotherhood in action. So it's with a heavy heart that I give you this weeks Man Down...

Ka-Boom! Make Your Photos Michael Bay-a-rific!

Are you tired of seeing the same old hum-drum photos of yourself posing with friends and family at some wedding or holiday get-together? You’re best friend’s wife’s obnoxious baby pictures? Or the questionably alarming number of photos your girlfriend has of her kitten? Well, it’s time to turn those photos from ‘boR-Ring’ to ‘Michael Bay-a-rific!’ with the “Michael Bayifier.”

Picture of you, mom and dad... lame. Picture of you, mom and dad with a ticking time bomb and explosions... awesome! Picture of baby making stupid faces... not cool. Picture of baby making stupid faces with screaming harrier jets flying around, bursting into flames... badass! Picture of kitty hanging off the window sill.. seen it a million times. Picture of kitty hanging off the window sill with guns, fast cars, explosions and Megan Fox... Epic! So what are you waiting for? Get those boring photos Michael Bayified at the Michael Bayifier. For awesome.


link: http://bayifier.com/

Flying coach has never been hotter

Flight attendants perform safety dance to Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. Cebu Pacific Airlines says, "[We've] always been known as a fun airline." Now if we could only get these ladies into high heels and bikinis... then we’re onto something. I'm thinking “The Mile High Gentlemen’s Club” Airways.

Where will you be when the aliens attack?

Gentlemen, It’s been confirmed. US Government has observed UFO activity around nuclear weapon sites in the past. That’s just awesome. Now that we know the alien invasion is only a matter of time, how will you prepare yourself? For starters, I suggest fabricating nail-spiked bats for the family. Nothing more says, “Get off our planet!” than your lovely wife and adorable children swinging away at those wide-eyed buggers like crazed maniacs. And I’m pretty sure once they see one of their little grey buddies’ heads pop like a watermelon, they’ll be pissing their pants all the way back to Zorgon 6. Another recommendation, keep your iPod close at all times and always have a heavy metal playlist set. The screaming sounds of metal blocks their mind control abilities. You’re welcome.

link: CNN "UFOs eyeing our nuclear weapons?"

Man Alert!!!

They've created a female condom with teeth!!

This is frightening news men. I'm almost speechless thinking about how terrible it would be to have your chick try to pull this one over on you. So stay sharp out there men, and be sure to do a thorough ocular pat-down of your women before trying to get some make-up sex in after your next fight.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9guyVVqHcYo