The art of the handshake

By: The Whiz Kid

You know how they say first impressions last forever... bullshit, the first handshake lasts forever. When you meet another man for the first time, shake his hand with some authority. Now don’t try and crush his hand and seem like a dominant ape, but apply some pressure show me that even if you turn out to be an ass, well hell, at least you’re a man damn it. Think of it as the first time you make love to a woman. You don’t wanna show up with some limp noodle... well God damn it, don’t show up to a handshake with a noodle for a hand. I will think you are as limp as that sissy handshake you just threw out there.

There are exceptions to a manly shake. Don’t be that asshole who grabs my fingers and not my hand forcing me to look like said wimp bitch. Maintain proper etiquette, wait for web-to-web contact before applying pressure. You seem too eager to meet me when you squeeze early, thus causing me to have suspicions about you as a person.

Then you have the shooter. The guy who pulls his hand way back then shoots it at you like its high noon and he’s got his five barreled revolver ready to mow you down. This ain’t a gun fight, although almost as important as one, it is alas not. Just hold that hand out like a man, damn it.

Which leads me to several other variations of hand shake violations, the two handed handshake; Yo buddy, unless your some diplomat, keep your other hand out of this equations. If it takes two of your hands to equal the strength of my manly shake you’re not a man, Damnit. Or the guy who uses both hands. One to shake my hand, the other to shake my forearm. What’s up with that? Why do you feel the need to shake my entire arm? Are you weighing it? Feeling the strength of my forearm? It’s called a handshake not a hand and arm shake, goddamn it.

Now the science behind the actual shake. A little up and down motion is acceptable after all it is a hand shake, but don’t lift my arm so damn high and rip it down like your trying to dislocate my shoulder, goddamn it. This is a case in which less is more. I don’t wanna have to have Tommy Johns surgery because you don’t know how to shake my damn hand. Also don’t go with the short but rapidly quick shake making my arm look like it’s a fucking sound wave this isn’t eighth grade physics when you shake a rope as a demonstration of sound, it’s my fuckin' arm.

All in all, violate any of these rules and although the recipient of one of these handshakes mentioned above won’t say anything in his head you will forever be known as a jackass. Your father should have taught you this shit. Stay manly and do me a favor... MAN THE FUCK UP, BRO!